You Might Be a Low-Maintenance Woman If…

By Diane Stark

• You are currently lobbying any local, state or federal government official in the hopes of passing a bill which would outlaw the use of hot wax to remove body hair. The aforementioned bill would include extraneous eyebrow hair, hair in the bikini area and any and all leg hair. The bill would not pertain to hair on the upper lip and under the arms because, let’s be honest, being a low-maintenance woman is one thing. Walking around as though you actually possess a “Y” chromosome is another matter entirely.

• You have initiated similar legislation to outlaw panty hose in 49 states. You feel that the forced wearing of panty hose for work, weddings and other social events falls under the description of cruel and unusual punishment. You are, however, open-minded enough to see that not all women feel this way, so the aforementioned legislation includes a clause which allows any woman who actually enjoys wearing panty hose the option to move to Idaho and have at it.

• Your definition of high heels is a pair of flip flops that have a thicker sole. (Those “Shape-ups” shoes that tone and firm your butt muscles would also qualify. Have you seen how thick those soles are?)

• You once signed up to be a Mary Kay consultant and all of your friends laughed at the irony of it all. “Shouldn’t a Mary Kay make-up consultant actually wear make-up?” they asked. “It’s like a vegetarian who sells prime rib. It’s like a blind man who sells contact lenses. It’s like a low-maintenance woman who sells Mary Kay.” Yeah, yeah, it’s so ironic. Ha ha.

• Your collection of hair products includes shampoo. And that’s it.

• You think the pashmina is a distant relative to the alpaca. To the lay person, that’s a fancy name for a llama. And a pashmina is a fancy word for a shawl. (So they’re not actually distant relatives at all unless perhaps you are taking the SAT exam, in which case you might see the following analogy: pashmina is to alpaca as cheeseburger is to cow. But a low-maintenance woman would only concern herself with the second part of that anyway.)

• All of your lipsticks have the word “Carmex” written on them, except, of course, your special occasion variety, which says “Chap-aid.”

• You feel that eyelash curlers, hair straighteners and mascara wands are objects of torture, along the lines of those little bath tubs they use for water boarding. Maybe they should try using a diffuser on the terrorists. Talk about Intel.

You run to the grocery store sans make-up, and your regular cashier says, “You look nice today.”

• You spend less time in the bathroom than your 12-year-old son. This is the kid who still has to be reminded to shower and whose toothbrush looks brand-new. The toothbrush the dentist gave him at his last visit. Four months ago. Let me reiterate: being a low-maintenance woman is a far cry from looking like and/or smelling like a guy.

• Your skin regimen includes Dial and a loofah. You don’t concern yourself with things like Oil of Olay, exfoliation, and age spots. And why would you? Your wrinkles just add character. They tell a story all their own.

• Your most recent make-over lasted just until your next shower. Then you went right back to your old look. It’s just easier. And more comfortable.

• You’ve been offended by any item on this list. Because, let’s be real, the truth hurts. But don’t worry, you are in good company. As the author of this list, I have to admit that not all of these items were made up. Yes, a few of them are from my own personal experience. I’ll let you figure out which ones. And if you ever decide to make some changes and go the high-glam route, give me a call. I’ll hook you up with some top notch Mary Kay.

About this writer

  • Diane Stark Diane Stark is a wife and mom of five. She loves to write about her family and her faith. Her essays have been published in over 20 Chicken Soup for the Soul books.

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