When My Bosom Hit the Big Time
By Linda O'Connell
Recently I visited my family physician. I had been experiencing tingling in my left arm and tightness in my chest during the day which inexplicably subsided at bed time. After endless probing and numerous tests, the doctor ruled out impending heart attack and other serious maladies. “Your tests came back negative. Nothing serious. Probably just stress.” The doctor’s diagnosis stressed me even more. Then she said, “Try to relax.” Her professional opinion and advice didn’t do a thing to calm me. In fact, she incited me, and I respectfully disagreed with the white coat.
“A woman knows her own body,” I said. “Despite the test results, I know something is wrong. I’ll figure this out myself.”
I went home determined to disprove the doctor. I waited until nighttime. In the stillness of my darkened bedroom, I set out to discover why my arm tingled when I stood, and why it didn’t when I slept. With a flick of my wrists, I self-diagnosed with my own two hands. I reached behind me with my left hand and unfastened my bra with my right. My symptoms eased the moment I tossed my bra on the dresser and laid on my back with my chest bared.
My husband thought I was in the mood for romance and he rolled toward me. I bounded out of bed and put my bra back on.
“What on earth are you doing?” Bill asked.
“Research!” I snapped and hooked my bra.
After binding and releasing my plump hostages several times, I changed sleeping positions several times. I laid down on my back. I rolled on one side and then the other. AHA! I leaped out of bed. My husband, who had been observing me, finally commented.
“Are you undecided about sleeping with me? Is that what your problem is?”
“No. I just made a major discovery. The doctor is right; I don’t have a medical problem.”
My hard-of-hearing husband said, “You say the doctor says you don’t have a mental problem?”
I slipped into a nightgown, climbed into bed, and for the first time in weeks, I slept well, worry-free, no longer concerned about my ticker. I’d have the antidote to my problem in a few hours.
In the morning, I headed to the local department store as soon as it opened. Drawn to the clearance signs and two-for-one sales. I passed them by and flitted right to the lingerie apparel. My heart raced when I spied a sale. There was a “twofer” sign attached to a display of my favorite bras. I felt like I’d just hit three sevens on a slot machine. I took my lacey jackpot to the checkout. When the bras scanned full price, I disputed the amount and requested a manager. I did what I detest when other women do it. I held up the line waiting for a price quote.
The manager swished over to the register with authority. She performed a computer check and assured me the bras were scanning correctly. “No. I’m sorry, but there is a huge sign back there that states buy one get one free. I can show you,” I said, as I grabbed my bras and headed to the lingerie department again.
The twenty-something manager, with pert little breasts, click-clacked after me in her heels, her pony tail flipping side to side. I indicated with my index finger and a smug face that my price quote was indeed correct.
“Right there! See? Two for the price of one.”
“Yes, I do see the sign. Now may I see the actual bra you’d like to purchase?”
I handed her one of my soon-to-be uplifting brassieres.
“Um. Hmm.” She muttered as she fondled the material and compared it to others. She fussed with the clasp and flung that bra wide open.
“Aha! Here’s the problem.” She shoved the size tag at me. “See here? This is a FULL-FIGURED BRA.”
No! The problem was she spoke so loudly several women in the vicinity took notice.
“Extra fabric, additional expense in manufacturing the cup size,” she continued as women congregated, listening to her yap as though she were raffling freebies.
I held up both bras side by side, determined to demonstrate that there were equal amounts of fabric in a 36B and a full-figured 38C, but she wasn’t buying it. So I ended up buying both bras at full price. It really was worth the immediate relief I felt when I adjusted the straps and realized that my cups no longer runneth over.
Boobs, breasts, hooters, racks…call them what you will. Personally I have named mine and subsequently relieved the tingling in my arm and the tightness in my chest.
Mopsy and Flopsy are fully supported in my new full priced, full figured bras, and I am breathing easier these days.
About this writer
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Linda O’Connell is a seasoned preschool teacher and award-winning freelance writer from St. Louis, Missouri. Her prose and poetry have appeared in books, magazines and anthologies. As Linda waltzed through the decades, she discovered her age of elegance was in her forties, but she isn’t complaining. Life has been an adventure. Linda resides in the Midwest but her heart and soul hang out at the beach.
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That was funny, Linda. Enjoyed reading it! (Poor Bill. ha ha ha) Great job! Susan
Thank you for your comment. That incident was a hoot.
I just read about my grandpa trying to get laid and my grandma’s boobs… As Charlie Brown would say, “Good grief!” Still pretty funny though! #I’mNoAngel
You little stinker, you are a married woman. Nothing should shock you. Thanks for your comments.
As always, Linda, your writing sparkles! It doesn’t seem fair, does it, to price the larger sizes more than smaller ones. I love the names Flopsy and Mopsy. I’m afraid these days my 42D girls go by Saggy and Baggy. Fortunately, Playtex sometimes has two for one sales that includes the plus-plus sizes, so I can afford to treat them to a new wardrobe from time to time.
Thank you for your comment, Terri. I know what you mean about treating the girls.
Well done! Saw the whole thing as I have been there before. Seems to me, it would take more time tucking all that lace on teeny cups than on easily turned and sewn full ones! Enjoyed this!
One good turn…a great description. Thank you for your comment.
Geez, I hope my husband doesn’t read this, Linda. I’ve gotten quite a bit of sympathy out of my tingling arm problem. :-)
Your problem could be fixed with another inch of elastic.
Oh, the shopping challenges we gals must endure. Funny story, Linda!
Thank you for your comment. That is one of many problems. You’re right.
I feel your pain, two new ones (bras) for me too. Enjoyed this!
Ha-ha you made me laugh. I thought you meant you got two new ONES. Thank you for your comment.
I found this story most uplifting! Great, perky writing style.
LOL your comments made me chuckle. Thank you for your remarks.
Linda–Your story made me laugh–at several spots. Hopefully, the next time I go shopping to embellish my two divining rods, I can laugh as I remember your tale… instead of crying because bra shopping is sooo frustrating.
Divining rods, now that made me laugh out loud. Thank you for your comments.
Hilarious! Your writing shines with vivid details and the right touches of humor.
I so appreciate your kind comments.
What a riot! Love it! You always have such rich details.
Thank you. That is such a vivid memory that will last a lifetime.
Had I read this a week ago, I might have gone to the Lingerie Department rather than to the ER.
Instead of cradling “the girls” in a new foundation garment, I was poked and prodded and left bruised and feeling silly, as no diagnosis was determined. Me and the girls got out of bed and went home.
Your comments made me smile. I was delighted to discover my issues could be resolved with a few inches of lace and stretch fabric. Give it a try. Thank you for commenting.
Heh, heh. Mental problem! I can’t help but remember the time you jumped on the bookmobile and announced that you were there for your mammogram.
Thank you for reminding me of the other time I made a boob-boo. To think, these events are with me forever.
This story was a hoot(er). You’re always giving women a good laugh in regard to getting older.
You know, if you can’t laugh at yourself, someone else will. Thank you for your comment.
Oh Linda, this was the best “lift” of my evening! Your writing always makes me smile :)
I thank you for your kind comments. I can laugh about it now, but then, I was concerned.
It’s always great to start the day with a smile.
Thank you for your comment. Humor can save the day.
How uplifting! I can only imagine your problem—my mother told me I had to wait until I needed a bra, but she finally gave in when I was in high school. After reading your story, all I can say is “Thank goodness I don’t have that problem. You have my support along with that of your new bra!
I was in 8th grade before I had enough to stuff into a bra, and it took years for me to develop. Thank you for your comments.
You have such a way of telling a story Linda – with equal parts humor and honesty – love it, and you!
Thank you. It’s only funny NOW.
Oh, how I hate bra shopping. I love it when the professional bra fitting expert wants to help find one that fits me properly. They have no back fat. I didn’t realize there was a school for that.
Actually, my arm has been bothering me, too. Hmm, very interesting.
Great story!!
Kate, I’m telling you, move up a bra size and the pain will subside. Thank you for commenting on my story.
I think I’m still back in 8th grade with regard to the “stuffing”. Oh, well. You have a way of tickling our fancy, Linda!
thank you Susan for your fun remarks.
This was a fun read, Linda. Thanks for sharing!
Glad I could make you smile. Thank you for your comments.
Cannot tell you how much I enjoyed your story, Linda! I also enjoyed reading all of the comments from you overly endowed ladies, but now I feel somewhat inferior. Boo, hoo! Keep up the excellent work so the checks will keep arriving and the girls can have new bras now and then.
Kathy, I used to boo-hoo, too and then my bosom hit the big time. Thank you for your comments.
Hahaha! That was great, Linda. I’m glad you were able to figure out the problem and remedy the situation. :)
Connie, it was a relief. Thank you for your comment.
HAHAHAHA!! *wipes eyes* Oh, wow. Thanks. I needed that.
Glad I could make you laugh, Lisa. Thank you for stopping by.
So…..bottom line is….you wear a bra to bed??? THAT alone would cause me discomfort! I gotta tell you, though, the BEST bras I ever purchased were from Ann’s Bra Shop in Wentzville…and they were NOT expensive!
No, don’t wear bra to bed. Thanks for the info.
Linda, I am so glad you are more comfortable now! You should be a detective. :) Thanks for the chuckles.
Karen, thank you for your comments.